hi! i am alive, just... not professionally artistically productive. hehe. lately, i've been troubled about my future, about my further studies (again, forever, ugh can't seem to move on). i do have some feasible ideas, but they're all lacking in the middle. some things just can't be planned, you know, sometimes it just happens, and those are the things you can't predict. be it good or bad, i know i work better when i make things up as i go along the way.
what's really sad is that, one of my closest friend chided me and said i was just being childish and immature to just wna run off to another country to do my Ba(Hons). the way he said it (it might've been those simple friend-friend insult but it still hurt... and he even ended off with 'yeah, you should just kill yourself' which was absolutely draconian) made me really want to go back into the un-literal state of drunken stupor where my mental stability hangs between sane and insane, which is worse off because being in the 'middle [of anything]' is the worst. (wow that was a really long sentence.)
but really (i may be justifying myself here), i don't just want to study in another country cos I really dislike the country i live in. it may be a fundamental reason, but i am not as simple/shallow as that. i want to study overseas because 1) clearly the other country offers what i want to study, 2) it's a good way to be exposed to another culture in a very subtle way (like not BAM HELLO NEW COUNTRY I AM HERE TO LIVE PLEASE TAKE CARE OF ME then... *crickets*), 3) it's also a good start to learn to be independent and handle myself to different people, 4) i think #1 is a good enough point, and 5) i cannot live in this country anymore.
and yes, i know it won't be any easier in another country - i could get murdered or what; i know i'll be totally alone - at least i'll be alone with total strangers and not alone in a group of friends i know; i know i could break down even more from either not being able to adapt or just being a wimp on everything - at least i've tried and bothered... i know what i'm saying, i know what i'm doing. i'm just feeling really, really rejected at what he said. i almost wanted to end this friendship (extreme, but i don't need anyone who doesn't believe in me). anyway i didn't - i just sucked it up and closed one eye to it.
ok i've said too much now and i've missed the main point, which is that i've been writing, but all the material is way too close to heart and here's one of my very favourite author quotes:
Writers are not just people who sit down and write. They hazard themselves. Every time you compose a book your composition of yourself is at stake.
E. L. Doctorow